Give and Take.

My heart hurts.

I read through some old journal entries and realized that I've always been struggling with this. Since day one I have struggled with how I feel about him. I still don't know where to go.

Can you think of the four worst days of your life? Cause one of mine is today, the day I realize that I am too scared to love the man that I love.

You don't know too much about me yet, but one of the most defining things in my life right now are the ways that I feel about someone. That wasn't a typo. My feelings are so plural that even within them they have plurality.

Its driving me crazy.

There is one solid fact to it all - that I love him. Unconditionally. With all flaws, faults, and fuck ups. We've got a history that is so convoluted that the smartest genetically engineered rat in history couldn't find the end of the maze. But that doesn't matter. We both helped concrete those walls, and I understand why each brick was laid.

I've known him four years. He's gone from:
Fuck buddy
Crush
Study partner
Worst asshole alive
Immature fuck
Best friend
Mortal enemy
Backstabber
Partner in crime
Forbidden lover
Unrequited lover
Someone I want to destroy
Someone I want to cherish

All within four years.

Those aren't necessarily in order, and sometimes they overlapped… but right now, he's one thing:

Frightening.

I went to jot down a journal article and flipped through some old ones. I read the text that bled of anguish. When I really started falling in love with him, he was my best friend in the world and I didn't understand what I was feeling nor did I want to feel whatever it was. I spend lines trying to rationalize that what is going on is just a side effect of loneliness. Even two years ago, I didn't want to give in.

How can I give up the freedom of my life to fall in love again? All I want is to be able to make decisions solely for myself. I'm only 22 years old for christ's sake. I want to move and live and breathe everything into my life possible, and how do you do that with someone else to consider?

Oh god. What the hell am I giving up, and what am I gaining?

And how would I explain it to my friends. Would they ever look at me the same, knowing that two years ago, when he was dating one of my best friend's and she started claiming I was in love with him, that she was right? I was an accidental, emotionally backstabbing bitch.

Not that any of this matters, because neither of us are going to do a damn thing about it for now.

Maybe I'll tell this whole story one day. But for now, nobody has even looked at this blog. But if you have, remember that scribble at the bottom of my first entry? He is the bottom of my barrel.

How am I struggling with my writing when such interesting subject matter just threw itself at my feet anyway?